


Bittersweet Memories

by eloracooper4



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Ben Hanscom is a Good Friend, F/M, M/M, Other losers mentioned - Freeform, Rated T for Trashmouth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 08:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21989914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eloracooper4/pseuds/eloracooper4
Summary: After Richie declares that he is leaving Derry, Ben runs after him to convince him to stay.  Richie admits to Ben that it's not just Pennywise that scares him.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	Bittersweet Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic in years and my first fic on this website...and my first IT fic. I hope I do it all justice. This fic is my attempt at showing what happened during Ben's failed attempt to get Richie to stay in Derry. Dialogue from the beginning of the story is taken straight from the movie, and snippets are also lifted from the novel.

“What? You can’t leave man. We split, we all die.”  
  
“Yeah. I’ll take my chances, we’re gonna die, anyway,” Richie mumbled as he trudged up the stairs. Each of his footfalls slamming on the stairs as if he was doing his best to get back at even the most mundane parts of Derry.  
  
Ben glanced quickly at Bev and nodded taking on the task at hand. “Rich!” Ben launched himself up the stairs calling after his friend. “Richie, c’mon.” But Richie ignored him. He disappeared into his hotel room and kicked the door behind him. By the time that Ben caught up to him, the door was mostly closed, but a small sliver of Richie was visible through the crack of the door. The fact that Richie hadn’t completely slammed the door was a good sign in Ben’s eyes. Maybe he was open to the idea of staying. Even if it was an infinitesimal amount.  
  
“Hey, Rich,” Ben said quietly while rapping his knuckles on the door. “Can I come in?”  
  
“Free country,” was Richie’s grumbling response. Ben slowly opened the door to see Richie throwing all of his clothes into his khaki duffel bag.  
  
Ben sat down on Richie’s bed next to the clothes that he was packing. “Look,” Richie kept packing without a glance in Ben’s direction. He continued, “Look, I know...it’s overwhelming. Believe me I get it. Pennywise is out to terrify us. To hurt us anyway that he can. I just ran for my life from our old school...remembering that summer. How scared shitless I was. Believe me I get it. But that’s why we need to fight it.” Ben leaned forward doing his best to meet Richie’s eyes. Instead, Richie grabbed the end of a shirt that Ben was sitting on. He grunted in protest. Ben sat up slightly to release the shirt, and Richie placed it into the bag then just staring at its contents. “We need to fight it Richie. These kids, this town. We owe it to all of the little Bens and Richies and Georgies and Bevs. We owe it to them.”  
  
Richie just continued staring into his duffel bag. Ben swore he could see the smoke coming out of his ears. Suddenly, Ben remembered something so clearly about his friend. Richie was indeed a trashmouth. The Trashmouth. When he stopped talking, that was when you worried about him. You knew that shit was serious. And they were currently frozen in silence.  
  
“We owe it to ourselves,” Ben continued gently. “Pennywise uses our fears against us. Fears that we should be able to overcome from our childhoods, but...we’re...I mean. Eddie is still afraid of everything, pretty much.” Ben earned a snort of agreement from Richie. “I’m...sometimes I still feel like that new kid that will never fit in. That’s what we have to work on. We owe it to ourselves.”  
  
Richie’s still body jerked away just then. He quickly moved to the bathroom and returned with his toothbrush and what looked like completely used tube of toothpaste. Tossing them into the duffel bag, he then returned to the bathroom. Still without a word to Ben.  
  
Ben stood up and took one step closer to see his friend’s face in the bathroom mirror. “C’mon Richie. Just...I know. I know it’s scary to...even to come back to Derry. This place-”  
  
“You can say that again,” Richie finally said.  
  
Ben held his breath. Maybe this was working; maybe he was getting through to him. “Yeah. I know just seeing everyone again is like...a trip. And it brings back so many memories-”  
  
“That’s so damn easy for you to say,” Richie said. His face was staring down into the sink. Ben took one more step closer so he was standing in the doorway of the bathroom. How could he say something like that? Richie didn’t know Ben’s exact fears. But he didn’t allow himself to become offended. Richie’s words were said too seriously. He needed to be heard and Richie didn’t need any more prompting now.  
  
Richie turned to face him. “I can see it in your eyes, Ben. I always could. It was like when the three of us were together; there was this string that was connecting the two of you that I couldn’t take a part in. Even when we were the Losers officially. You two had a bond. And that bond is still there. I saw it then, and I see it now. But I didn’t see surprise with you either. You remembered that you loved Bev. You never forgot, did you?”  
  
Ben stared at Richie his mouth open in surprise. “Wha...” He started. “What are you talking about?” How could he have known about his love for Bev? How could he have known that while the details of her face, her laugh, her smile were lost on Ben with time and distance from Derry, the broad strokes of Beverly Marsh were not. Her kindness, her warmth. There was only a need to glance at the yearbook page he carried in his wallet, and he was instantly transported back to loving Beverly Marsh. “You knew?”  
  
Richie stared at him for a moment; his left eyebrow arching. “It was pretty hard not to notice, Haystack. Remember what I said about the string? Plus, you’d stare at her all the fucking time. You were like a puppy drooling for a fucking steak or something.” He waved his arms then as if to push those thoughts away and return to the subject at hand. “And I’m right, you didn’t forget that you loved her did you?”  
  
“Um...” Ben shifted his stance; his hands now in his pockets. Was there any point in denying it now? Now that Richie was saying full out that he knew the truth. And it was the truth. But saying it out loud, well, that was something different. Still, here was his friend. Desperate. About to leave them all behind to die because he was scared. Scared of Pennywise, sure, but there was something more that he was scared of. “Yes...yes. You’re right. I didn’t...I couldn’t forget her. But I don’t know what that has to do with why you want to leave. Unless. Do you love her?” Good lord, what if Richie did love her as well? Ben knew full well that Bill had kept his eyes on her. And Bev, well, Bev had just told him on the stairs that she had thought that Bill wrote the love poem. The simple poem that Ben had written for her 27 years ago. Just knowing that Beverly and Bill were orbiting one another was enough to make him sick to his stomach. Back when they were kids, he would cry. And maybe, if Richie was in love with her too then maybe he’d have to cry again.  
  
“Of course I love her. She’s the fucking best. She always has a cigarette for me and she knows more shitty movie trivia than any girl I’ve ever met. But no. I’m not in love with her Ben. You’re...you’re missing the point.” Richie pushed past Ben with the hotel towels in his hands. When he reached his bag, without hesitation, he stuffed the towels inside. “Just-let me go okay? I can’t...everything is coming back at once, and it’s fucking ridiculously overwhelming. I just can’t deal with it, okay?” Now he leaned over to the desk to swipe the branded pens and stationary no doubt, but Ben put his hand on the desk blocking his movements.  
  
“Then talk to me. What are you remembering?”  
  
“Fuck you.” Ben didn’t budge. His eyes pierced Richie’s eyes with resolve. Ben refused to agree with Bev. While there may be hard memories from their childhood, there were precious memories as well. Ben knew that Richie may have started to remember something difficult, but he knew that all of the painful memories were worth going through in order to remember each other. This family they created.  
  
“Losers gotta stick together, Trashmouth. Talk. What are you remembering?” Richie’s face fell in defeat. His body slowly stepped back to drop to the bed. Ben slowly followed. The khaki bag was between them. Heavy with expectation.  
  
Richie leaned over, his eyes staring at the scar on his palm. “Don’t know if you’ve heard my stuff. My jokes. Well, not really my jokes, but the jokes I tell. It’s always my bitch did this, and my fucking chick did this. I get so much flack for it online. Being sexist and all that shit. It’s all of fucking front. It’s an image. What sells tickets and puts asses in seats....” When Richie trailed off, Ben leaned closer to his friend. His hand reaching out for his knee. Without saying a word, Ben encouraged him to keep going. “And it worked. It worked pretty damn well. So I kept it up. Pretending to be that prick that I was on stage. Anytime I just needed meaningless sex I would just find a guy in my audience who was a little too clingy and offer him a drink in my hotel room.” Ben saw Richie’s eyes shift in his direction; surely, waiting for rejection and shame. Ben didn’t say a thing, instead he squeezed Richie’s knee silently reminding him that they were brothers and nothing would change that. Richie continued, “It’s just what I did. Lived the dream of a mediocre stand-up. Then fucked random guys who I would swear to secrecy after they left my room. I’m surprised it worked honestly. That no one ran their mouths.  
  
“Then Mike calls. I up-chuck. A fucking eyeball tries to attack me from a fucking fortune cookie. But that...that wasn’t the fucking thing that killed me. It was hearing that Eds was married.” Richie let out a hearty laugh. “That’s what shook me.”  
  
Ben leaned back now understanding. Their teasing. Their jabs at one another. They were little kids pulling each other’s pigtails. At least, Richie was. “You didn’t remember how you felt?” Ben asked gently.  
  
Richie finally had the courage to look his friend in the eye to shake his head. “Nope. I didn’t remember him at all. If someone were to mention the name Eddie to me just a few fucking days ago, I would have thought they were talking about Eddie Munster or some shit. I had no clue. But then sitting right there...and hearing that he married someone. Someone who not only, well let’s face it, is a woman, but someone who he obviously doesn’t fucking love...it was like I just got hit with a fucking tidal wave like...right in my fucking face. I’m sweaty around him, but I’m cold too. I stare at him when he isn’t looking wondering if I saw his face in one of my one night stand’s faces. I feel like I’m gonna puke anytime he gets close to me. It’s fucking tiring remembering all of this...”  
  
“Love?” Ben asks. The idea of Richie having feelings for Beverly now seemed so silly. Of course it was Richie and Eddie. Ben couldn’t remember knowing it for sure when they were kids. He honestly wasn’t sure that he knew that gay people were a thing beyond the stereotypical depictions in movies. Gay people only lived in San Fransico and New York, right? None of them could live in Derry. Then again, he did remember Richie running to Eddie’s aid first. His hands out to him, comforting him. Kicking him in the hammock which now, looking back, surely was just an excuse for them to touch.  
  
Ben put his hand Richie’s back then, but Richie jumped away from it as if Ben’s hand was scorching hot. “Yeah...whatever. I guess. It’s just exhausting. And then fuckface himself, Pennywise, says he knows my ‘dirty little secret’. Like. I just can’t. And I know I never said anything to Eds. So he’s double clueless and I’m just fucking miserable.”  
  
“Hey,” Ben called out, standing up to take Richie’s hands in his own. He tried to slip away, but Ben held fast noticing that Richie’s hands are shaking ever so slightly. “The only way that this is going to end is if we fight Pennywise. That way, he’ll stop hurting you. Hurting Eddie. Hurting all of us. And then, after the fight, then you can face your feelings. You can’t do everything at once, you’re right about that. We got to take one step at a time. Kill Pennywise, and then if you want to tell Eddie-” Richie jerked away from Ben then, but his friend reached out to grab him again, “If you want to tell Eddie how you feel you can. Or, we can go back to our lives and live the life you had if that’s what you really want.” Ben couldn’t imagine that this would be the case. How could Richie live two different lives and not be completely happy in either of them? No wonder he was exhausted. “But we can’t do anything until Pennywise is gone. He’s hurt all of us. He’s hurt you, and he’s hurt Eddie. If you walk away, that will just keep happening until he kills us all. C’mon Richie, you gotta give it a chance. Then we can deal with the memories.”  
  
“What about Bev?” Richie asked his hands still in Ben’s.  
  
Ben took a deep breath. “One thing at a time.”  
  
Richie nodded solemnly. “All right fine. But don’t...um...tell...”  
  
“That’s for you to tell,” Ben affirmed patting him on the shoulder. “I-”  
  
Both men turned their heads as they heard consistent slamming on the stairs. Then a crash and Bev’s terrified voice. Ben had to go. “I’ll see you down there, okay?” Ben didn’t bother to look back and see the look of guilt ridden resolve on Richie’s face. A moment later, Richie’s bag was on his shoulder and he was quickly launching himself out of the backdoor of the hotel. He didn’t bother to listen to see if Bev was okay. If Ben was admitting his love for her. He just ran. Ran from Derry, ran from his friends who needed him, ran from who he was, ran from Eddie, and ran from those bittersweet memories.


End file.
